things you thought were only yours

Whenever I went on a long car journey when I was younger I would always do this thing where I’d look out the window and imagine a man or a dog or some other creature (perhaps a version of myself even), who would be running along side the car and jumping up onto various buildings and skipping over puddles and other obstacles like a real life version of a Mario Brothers game. When I was younger I thought I was the only person who did this, and I relished in the idea that I had created such a unique game. It was my own imaginary world that I had created in the window of the car which nobody else could touch, and I loved it.

As I come up to my 20th birthday, I came across a YouTube video the other day in which people discussed the weird things they did as a kid to pass the time. What was most interesting about the video was the pattern that seemed to emerge amongst these people. For instance, there were three girls who all had a habit of absent mindedly writing random words using their fingers in the air or using their feet on the ground. Their movements were subtle, but definitely there and it was something they all did when they were younger. I found this funny and odd that it had not been explored in more detail before. Then one person described what I had done in the car. He did the exact same thing. What was most surreal for me was the fact that I really wasn’t surprised by the fact that he had done the same thing.

As I have grown older I’ve realised more and more that my thoughts and feelings simply aren’t as unique as I thought they were. My thoughts have been thought maybe a thousand times by various different people over the years and my ideas have probably been shared with hundreds of other people. This realisation is more than a little unsettling. I’m unsure of how to feel about my own thoughts and ideas now. I know that technically I do have my own thoughts that only I have thought because unless there exists a parallel universe with another exact version of myself, there is only one me, and only I have experienced the things in my life from my perspective. Therefore, there must be thoughts and ideas that are completely and organically mine. However, it is still unsettling when I remember that there are literally billions of people in the world who all have a voice and many of whom have thoughts exactly like my own. I’m not saying I’m upset that I’m not special in some way, but seeing other people thrive makes it hard for me to get my head above the water and be noticed.

Basically the world is a scary place and thinking about how many people are all trying to fit into it makes the whole thing even scarier. Blah. I don’t know >.<

 

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