It’s frustrating when you’re a person who likes writing, but you have to write about things you don’t care about.
Ok, that’s a little dramatic. I was writing about things I cared about. Well, some things.
I have come to the end of studying what is, in my opinion, one of the most important subjects in our times, and one which in the last 20 years, has been resurged in worldwide debates and has heavily influenced our political views. However coming out of my degree makes me realize I probably should have studied something else.
It’s not that I’m not interested in Religion, Philosophy and Ethics. On paper, it sounded great. And I enjoyed Religious Studies at school, I enjoyed discussing the ethics of faith and different interpretations of the Bible. It was a subject I knew little about, and a having a religious faith was something I could never truly relate to, but for whatever reason it fascinated me. I couldn’t understand how so many people could share a belief in something you couldn’t physically see. And I couldn’t understand how this belief had managed to translate into such a universal worship, and in many cases, into such universal hate.
Through studying religion, I wanted to shed more light on the subject, to ease my own personal confusion if anything. And although many of the modules I have taken over the past three years are indeed fascinating on paper, I would say the lack of group discussions and the distant style of university teaching has left me with a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to uni.
This doesn’t mean I will never do any further education – there’s a lot I like about university and the student lifestyle is pretty great in many ways. But I wish I had gone into university without such high expectations. And I wish I had taken some more time to think.
Ever since I was young enough to start properly considering my future after school and university was over I’ve had a strange desire to want to move to Canada. It seems like an odd thing to wish for considering that I was lucky enough to be born into what many travel bloggers would consider one of the greatest cities in the world. But even before I truly got to experience what London really had to offer (living in the suburbs was hardly the same as a city experience), I wanted to see Canada because I thought in my mind that I would end up there and magically have a perfect life amongst friendly North Americans and black squirrels.
I’m not sure what it is about Canada which intrigues me, but when I moved to university which was right in the heart of my hometown city, I started to grow exhausted of London and its ridiculous pace. London is amazing and obviously has an endless amount to offer, but the sheer price and loneliness of the place makes it quite unliveable. There are many parts to it sure, and if you were rich enough it would probably seem great, but it’s so intimidating to live somewhere where everyone seems to be doing more than you and everyone is there for a reason. Going to university in London is more like going to work. Everyone is there to get a job and it can be a harsh place for a student. Then again, there’s not much I can compare it to, and honestly the diversity of the people living there is something that makes me very happy.
However, this being said, I was still extremely keen to get on the study abroad band wagon and experience something different for a change. I knew I wanted to pick somewhere English speaking (my language skills are a joke), and when I saw Toronto was listed as one of my options I immediately thought back to those days when I was ten years old and looking online at how to go about moving to Canada. Having been here for about 2 weeks now, I can say that I do like it so far. The people are nicer, the streets are wider, it is cold, yes, but it’s overall more liveable, which is a nice change. It’s big enough so that you won’t get bored after a year but small enough that you won’t feel lost in it’s pace. Everyone seems a little more laid back, and the British accent is certainly helping my popularity. I’m glad I came here, even after a rocky decision as to whether or not I should leave everything for 5 months and come back to my last year of uni with potentially not many friends left. But I feel like it will be worth it, I’ve always wanted to know what it might feel like to live in Canada, and maybe now I do know what it’s like, I might come back more a more permanent stint, and actually live my childhood dream.
Whenever I went on a long car journey when I was younger I would always do this thing where I’d look out the window and imagine a man or a dog or some other creature (perhaps a version of myself even), who would be running along side the car and jumping up onto various buildings and skipping over puddles and other obstacles like a real life version of a Mario Brothers game. When I was younger I thought I was the only person who did this, and I relished in the idea that I had created such a unique game. It was my own imaginary world that I had created in the window of the car which nobody else could touch, and I loved it.
As I come up to my 20th birthday, I came across a YouTube video the other day in which people discussed the weird things they did as a kid to pass the time. What was most interesting about the video was the pattern that seemed to emerge amongst these people. For instance, there were three girls who all had a habit of absent mindedly writing random words using their fingers in the air or using their feet on the ground. Their movements were subtle, but definitely there and it was something they all did when they were younger. I found this funny and odd that it had not been explored in more detail before. Then one person described what I had done in the car. He did the exact same thing. What was most surreal for me was the fact that I really wasn’t surprised by the fact that he had done the same thing.
As I have grown older I’ve realised more and more that my thoughts and feelings simply aren’t as unique as I thought they were. My thoughts have been thought maybe a thousand times by various different people over the years and my ideas have probably been shared with hundreds of other people. This realisation is more than a little unsettling. I’m unsure of how to feel about my own thoughts and ideas now. I know that technically I do have my own thoughts that only I have thought because unless there exists a parallel universe with another exact version of myself, there is only one me, and only I have experienced the things in my life from my perspective. Therefore, there must be thoughts and ideas that are completely and organically mine. However, it is still unsettling when I remember that there are literally billions of people in the world who all have a voice and many of whom have thoughts exactly like my own. I’m not saying I’m upset that I’m not special in some way, but seeing other people thrive makes it hard for me to get my head above the water and be noticed.
Basically the world is a scary place and thinking about how many people are all trying to fit into it makes the whole thing even scarier. Blah. I don’t know >.<
*quarter life crisis intensifies*
- I can no longer use my age as an excuse to do stupid things/be lazy as I am no longer technically a teenager and therefore should know exactly what I am doing and not make mistakes.
- I’m now “in my twenties” as opposed to “in my teens” which has wildly different connotations and implications in my mind.
- I’m just realising that in about two years time I will fall off the educational conveyer belt by finishing uni and be left entirely to my own devices which is scaaaaary.
- I am entering a new decade of my life, and in 5 years time will be considered at the “quarter stage” of my existence which I am wholly unprepared for and terrified by.
- My metabolism will continue to wither.
- I’m not ready to stop being a teenager/child. It’s the only thing I know how to do (kind of).
- I have a constant nag that I have wasted my youth in various ways i.e. not making enough close friends, not taking enough time to discover my passions and wasting important opportunities.
- Will birthdays feel the same? Probably not.
- Will people expect different things from me now? Probably yes.
- Bills, mortgages and other important adult documents will become ever more present in my life and will no longer be something I can leave my parents to deal with.
- Being unimpressed or unmotivated is not cool, it’s dumb.
- When people say “time flies” I’ll actually start to physically panic about my mortality.
- I’ll start to think about death more.
- What am I going to do with my life?